Flashback: If Age Ain’t Nothin’ But a Number*, Why Do I Feel So Old?

*Editor’s Note: As I gear up for my birthday celebration and try to work on a few projects, I’ll be posting older entries from previous versions of the blog. Enjoy!

In less than a month, I will be 24 years old (I’ll be 26 this Tuesday –D). While that age is not old by any means, it’s causing me to realize just how fast time is passing. In my lifetime I’ve seen (and can remember):

• the explosion of the Challenger
• the fall of the Berlin Wall
• the Black Michael Jackson
• the Oklahoma City bombing
• 9/11 (shortly after my 19th birthday)
• the first Gulf War
• Nelson Mandela freed from prison (and his election into office as President of South Africa)
• the racially-ambiguous Michael Jackson
• New Jack Swing, Miami Bass, MC Hammer, the Native Tongues Movement, Oaktown 357, Kid ‘N Play, Salt ‘N Pepa, Run DMC (“My Adidas”-era), Uptown, Bad Boy (when they actually produced hits), the rise and fall of No Limit and Death Row

Okay, I’m going to stop there…starting to make myself feel even older. I remember when there were times I thought I would never get close to this age, let alone knowing people for more than half of my life.

And you know what? I’m thankful and blessed for all of it.

D

–first published 8/13/06 @ Human: Being v.1

*R.I.P. Aaliyah (1/22/79-8/25/01)

The “I Like You” Story

For some odd reason, the moment still haunts me. Some things you can never take back, you know? And here, months after the actual events, I find myself returning to them once again.

It was a chilly night, somewhere near the end of winter and beginning of spring (it’s hard to tell up here). The crew–D, C and I–decided to do what we usually do on weekends: drink ourselves into a stupor at some random bar in Manhattan. This particular nights choice was the infamous G-Lounge.

So far, so good. And then he appears. For the purpose of this story, we’ll call him “Todd.”¹

Todd and I had previously shared what I thought was a bonding moment a few weeks prior at a Washington Heights dive affectionately called No Parking (which is really more of a meat market in my opinion, but I won’t get into semantics). I hadn’t really liked him at first, to be honest. Our initial meeting didn’t cast me in a good light (another embarrassing New York moment that I can attribute to my walnut-sized bladder), and even the bonding at No Parking was prefaced with a snarky comment from him (something to the effect of “You’d be cuter if you lost a little weight.” Bastard!), but something about him intrigued me. Maybe it was the social-awkwardness or the nice, even smile. Maybe it was even just the fact that he appreciated music in the same way that I did. Needless to say, I was inexplicably smitten.

Fast forward to this night, and it’s like our bonding moment never existed. Sure, we gave our awkward acknowledgments and there was some (meager) conversation, but for the most part we might as well have been strangers. I watched him flirt up a storm with several others before finally deciding on a subject to dote upon.

By this time, I was seething. How dare Todd act like I wasn’t there and that night never existed? How dare he flaunt his flirting in my presence? How dare he-

And that’s when it hit me. I sounded like a little school girl whose affections were rebuffed by the most popular guy in school. I had to get a grip. I downed the remainder of C’s delicious alcoholic beverage and made a few laps around the bar.

Soon, it was time for the night to end and our group to part ways. D was going to stay at C’s place in Harlem, Todd had snuck off someplace with that thing he was talking to and I was completely over the whole night, so I bundled up and prepared to head home. Then, my phone rang. It was Todd.

“Hey, man, just wanted to say bye. You seemed kinda weird tonight. You ok?”

I wasn’t sure if this was him calling to twist the knife further or if he indeed cared. I gave him the usual brush off I give everyone when i want to get off the phone–basically saying I’m okay and that there’s no need to worry–and then hung up.

Then, I had an out of body experience. Fingers that couldn’t possibly have been mine re-dialed his number and called him back. When he answered, for some reason, I heard a voice similar to my own as it spilled its guts while my mind screamed in vain to prevent this from unfolding.

“Hey Todd, you know why I was acting weird in the club?” I know you’re not gonna say what I think you are. “Well, it’s because…” Don’t say it! Don’t say it! “…I like you and thought the feeling might have been mutual.”  No, No, No!

As I mentally tore myself a new one, he took a second to think and then replied, “I figured.” Two seconds later, he announced that he was about to enter the Lincoln Tunnel and needed to get off the phone and promptly hung up.

I stood there in the cold stunned. I figured? I spill my guts and all I get is I figured? A simple “I like you, too” or “I don’t really feel the same way” or even  an “If you were to burst into flame, I wouldn’t piss on you to put out the fire” I could deal with, but I figured? Unacceptable. I headed home, chalked the whole thing up as a loss and wrote him off completely.

Unfortunately, and as we all know, it’s rather hard to make yourself not like someone. It’s also doubly hard when the object of said crush becomes your good friend’s roommate a few months down the road. Still, I think I’ve done rather well with the whole Todd situation and can officially say that I’m now (mostly) over it.

But fuck him, tho.

D

¹Disclaimer for those of you who will read this and scratch your heads: Yes, you are reading this correctly.

The Soundtrack of My Life*

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here’s how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend your cool…

Opening Credits:

Michael Jackson “P.Y.T.”

Nothing like classic MJJ to start it off right (coincidentally, this album came out the year i was born).

Waking Up:
Arrested Development “Children Play With Earth”

Umm….ok. It’s funky tho.

First Day At School:
John Legend “Stereo”

Yeah, this never happened in Pre-K. lol

Falling In Love:
Cameo “Rigor Mortis”

Does this mean my love life is D.O.A.? This is getting stranger and stranger.

Fight Song:
Erykah Badu “A.D. 2000”

Apparently when I fight, it’s always a very reflective and introspective occasion.

Breaking Up:
Janet Jackson “Free Xone”

LOL. No comment.

Prom:
The O’Jays “Family Reunion”

I mean, my sister was my “date” to prom and all, but this still doesn’t fit.

Life:
Janet Jackson “Black Cat”

I think this damn thing is tryna tell me something. LOL.

Mental Breakdown:
Res “700 Mile Situation”

So, either a long distance relationship will drive me crazy, or my mental breakdown will have a lush, reggae-tinged backdrop.

Driving:
John Lennon “Imagine”

Seeing as I DON’T drive, this is probably the most fitting song at the moment.

Flashback:
Lucy Pearl “Without You” (Jay Dee Remix)

Beats me.

Getting Back Together:
Michael Jackson “Rock With You”

Now if you reverse these past two, it would make more sense.

Wedding:
D’Angelo “Brown Sugar”

LOL. This can be taken so many, many ways.

Birth of Child:
702 “I Still Love You”

While I do believe that my child will “change the world someday,” this still doesn’t really fit.

Final Battle:
The Koop “Tonight”

So, this shit is gonna be jazzy. Actually, seeing a fight choreographed to this would be kinda hot.

Death Scene:
Kanye West “Can’t Tell Me Nothing”

Okay, that’s kinda hot.

Funeral Song:
Kanye West “Gold Digger”

So, they gonna be fighting over my scratch at the funeral?!! Damn!

End Credits:
Chakachas “Jungle Fever”

Well, I have been known to give ‘em fever.

D

*Shouts to DJ Brainchild over at OneSoulfulNegro.com

Who’s Gonna Save My Soul?

I write this post for two reasons: to show this amazing video (and song) to those who haven’t heard it and because it’s the perfect song to some up how i’m feeling at the moment.

As you see, the video is above, so let’s get to the second part.

In case you don’t know me, I kinda have a Superman-complex. This means that whenever someone is in need of help and there’s anything i can do about it, I’m usually there. Not really a bad thing for the most part. However, I’ve been feeling lately like there’s no one that I can turn to for the same thing. I mean, who does Superman turn to when he’s the one in need of saving?

Sure, no man is an island unto himself and I have great friends and lasting friendships. But sometimes, it just really feels like it’s me, myself and I in this world.  The people that most can turn to and rely on, I can’t.  I’ve pretty much have had to fend for myself for a pretty long while now.

Maybe I’m simply wishing for something that I really am not supposed to have. I know that I’ve become a much more self-reliant person because of it.

So maybe, just maybe, Superman has to find that last little bit of strength and simply save himself?

I don’t know. You tell me…